You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
