I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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