She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
