Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
