if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
