oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
