And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
