If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
