ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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