I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
