Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
