dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Im part way to drunk.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
