Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
