also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
