I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
