he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
