She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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