i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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