The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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