Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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