some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
