She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
