I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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