you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
