I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My bed smells like the plague
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
