I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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