All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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