It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
