I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
