Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You pole danced in your parka.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
