apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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