I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
