Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
