thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
