Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
