idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
