I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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