using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
