if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
