First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize