apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
