someone threw a dead crab at me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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