I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
false alarm, still single
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