she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
