i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
