Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Every concussion has its silver lining
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think my moral compass just broke
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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