Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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