i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
