i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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