Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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