My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
