I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
