She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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